Sunday, November 21, 2004

Canadian Prime Minister Announces ‘Adopt A Leftie Scheme’

In a bid to mitigate the effects of the massive migration of American Leftists following the recent election, Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin has launched the ‘Adopt a Leftie Scheme’

“Of course we’re glad to welcome fellow French-ass-kissing liberal wieners. We do so with open arms and pouty lips. It’s just our way.”

Fears are mounting on the local labour market as businesses come to grips with what it will mean to have so many actors join the workforce.

“We just don’t have the infrastructure to deal with the influx. There are only so many waitressing jobs in the country. Many will go without.” Said a Toronto McDonald’s franchise owner.

The PM has conceded that this could be a massive humanitarian disaster if not planned out on a federal level. Tanning lotion, tooth whitener and mirrors have already been air lifted into Quebec and other supplies are on their way. “We’re waiting on mineral water at the moment. It’s a tense time.”

The scheme to Adopt A Leftie is the brainchild of Mr Arnold Coif, Minister of Grooming, Deportment, Funny Little Accents On Top Of Letters and Other Odd Jobs. He realized early on that it was important to integrate the new arrivals into the existing community.

“No one wants to take out the trash one morning and find Janeane Garofalo sqatting beside the bins. Or worse, Michael Moore sleeping on a park bench.

Many of these people are professional actors. This means that they have no personality of their own; they are an empty shell waiting to be filled with someone’s orders. The Kerry campaign fulfilled that need perfectly for a while, but it seems that the election loss has un-coupled these actors from their ‘host’ and they are drifting north in search of redder pastures.”

Families will be encouraged to take an American Leftie into their home. To bathe, feed and quarter them for as long as it takes for them to find a job or decide that the lattes just aren’t up to scratch and migrate south again. State funding is available to mitigate the costs.

Monica White, Toronto

(Yeah, I'm on a 'funnies' jag. Feel sorry for C who has had to endure some of the worst attempts at different accents EVER and terribly lewd asides to almost every sentence she's uttered. My evil knows no bounds.)


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