Saturday, May 29, 2004

a la carte

I can’t eat wheat or milk. This means that I actually have a rather varied diet including other grains, various animal parts and lots of fruit and veg.

People’s reactions to my lunch at an office never cease to amaze me.

>Me: *opens lunchbox*

>Coworker: “What’s THAT!?!” (as if I’ve brought in a WMD, or I have a small hamster nestled in the salad)

>Me: *looks down* “My lunch” *starts munching indifferently*

>Coworker: *Takes a swig of Diet Engine Degreaser and a bite of something that was deep fried in oil first used during the second world war* “Yes, but what IS it?”

>Me: “Rocket leaves, spinach leaves, avocado, tomato, capers, pickled jalapeno peppers and mackerel.”

>Coworker: “And you made that yourself?”

>Me: (not sure how to take this, decides on sarcasm) “No, I find these kinds of things all over the house most mornings. I choose the one I want then throw the others away. Damned elves.”

>Coworker: *completely misses the humor* “So why do you eat weird things like that?” *starts munching on turkey substitute, limp lettuce and plastic-cheese-slice roll*


….and here’s where I usually give the spiel on my food sensitivities.

This is getting tiring, so I thought I’d come up with some far more interesting reasons for why I eat ‘weird’ foods:

1. The coven was a little disappointed with the ‘clarity’ of my blood last week, I’m trying to work on it.

2. It’ll be easier for the aliens to take my soul when The Time Comes.

3. I’m ethically opposed to those nasty vegetarians who deny the cow, goat, dolphin, tuna, sheep, pig and monkey their natural fate – to be sandwich filling.

4. I’m campaigning to be a new character in Dilbert cartoons. This is my angle.

5. Marks & Spencer was out of egg salad so I thought I’d just fend for myself at the ‘Pets Paradise’ next door.

6. As an android, I don’t actually have to eat. When I choose to eat, I like to experiment a little. Can I borrow your stapler?

7. I’m not actually eating this. I’m chewing it for my young and will be ‘feeding’ them later this afternoon.

8. I was told by Zorg Snuflar that this is what humans do.

9. I’m consciously not supporting the imperialistic enslavement of simpering 14 year old girls with greasy hair in lunch bars. I also find the fact that you would drink out of a can made of the metal product supporting the American military-industrial complex highly offensive. Whilst we're at it, how dare you mutilate an apple like that?


I think you’ll agree with me that this beats a lecture on the intricacies of my diet anytime.

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